Insecurities
by Lo613
Summary: After the events of '42', Martha has a talk with the Doctor about what happened on the ship. That's a terrible summary. The story is better, trust me on that.


**Hello! So, as you may have figured out by the description, here we have a post-42 Doctor Who story. Enjoy! Disclaimer- I don't own Doctor Who. Neither do you. God help us if a fanfic writer actually managed to get their hands on the rights.**

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Martha carefully watched the Doctor as he piloted the TARDIS into the Vortex, albeit with far less energy than typical for him. She played with her newly acquired TARDIS key nervously, trying to work up the nerves to talk with him, but not quite being able to. She knew she needed to talk to him, she knew that whatever the Doctor claimed, he was not fine, not by any definition of the word. However, she also knew that if she tried to talk with him about the events on the ship they had just barely managed to save, he would purposely get distracted, perhaps turning a dial a few too many degrees clockwise simply to make it seem as if something important were happening to avoid talking with Martha. But she really did need to talk to him. Not just for her own peace of mind, though there was that as well, but for the Doctors well-being also.

_"I'm scared. I'm so scared."_

The Doctor _never_ admitted to being scared. Never. It just didn't happen, simple as that. Granted, he would never really admit his true emotions to anyone anyways, but at least Martha could see those. Over the course of their adventures together, she'd seen him confident, disappointed, euphoric, and furious, but never _scared._ So for him to both be scared and to admit to it was a bit of a cause of concern for Martha. She needed to figure out exactly what was going through her friends mind right now and do her best to put it at ease.

The Doctor stepped away from his ships controls, having successfully flown the TARDIS back into the Vortex. He glanced over at Martha.

"I'm off. Figure we could use some down time. A shower would probably do us both some good as well." He declared, his words shaky and unconfident. Martha arched a skeptical eyebrow and took a few steps towards him.

"You sure you're alright?" She inquired.

"Of course I'm alright, Martha." The Doctor replied in a falsely chipper voice, wearing a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Really? 'Cause I'm having a hard time believing that, Doctor." Martha challenged. The Doctor leaned back against the console.

"What could I do to convince you?" He asked.

"You could start by telling me the truth." Martha retorted. " I know you're not alright, and honestly? That's fine. I just want you to talk to me about it some."

"There's nothing to talk about, Martha." The Doctor replied.

"Rubbish." Said Martha. "You're still shaken up. I know you are, don't bother trying to hide it, it's really obvious actually. And whatever's making you act this way, you need to talk about it." She pressed. The Doctor sunk his chin upon his chest and shifted his weight back and forth on his feet quietly.

"Doctor-" Martha started. The Doctor looked up at her quickly.

"I was scared." He snapped. "Alright?! I was scared." He took a short, controlled step towards Martha. "I was scared, and being possessed by a _living Sun._" His words were running together as he spoke by now. "It hurt, and I wasn't sure what was happening, I thought I was going to die, and I was _terrified._"

He leaned back against the console and sniffed.

" It would shake anyone up, scare anybody." He added.

Martha nodded her agreement.

"Yeah, I get your point." She said. "It's just, I never see you scared. Ever. First time I've seen you like that, I want to make sure you're not freaking out or anything."

The Doctor smiled wryly.

"I'm very good at hiding it." He said.

"I'm sorry?" Asked Martha, unsure of what her friend had meant.

"I'm always scared, Martha. I'm just good at not making it known." The Doctor elaborated.

Martha blinked.

"Not following." She pointed a finger at the Doctor. "You, are never scared. We're on the moon, running out of air? You're fine. New Earth, we're about to get eaten by God knows what? Calm as can be, you are. Find ourselves on a ship that has 42 minutes until it crashes into a sun? No problem." Martha shook her head. " You, of all people, do not get scared."

The Doctor merely continued smiling his sad smile.

"Martha. I've lived my entire life in fear. First it was of my own people. The Time Lords. Then it was for Susan, then Ian and Barbra. I was scared of losing them, of not being good enough and not being able to save them. Then it was for Jamie and Polly and Ben. And from there on it's been every single friend I've had. I'm always scared of losing my friends. Then the Time War came, and I'm still scared of that. I'm terrified of being alone, I really don't cope with it well. I was scared of losing Rose, and now I'm scared of losing you. But you know what? After 900 years, you figure out how to live with your fear. You figure out how to operate with it."

Silence.

"...What was so different about this time?" Martha eventually dared to inquire.

"There was nothing different about this time, Martha." The Doctor replied.

"Obviously, something _was_ different. If what you've just said is true, then you're always scared, but you never let anyone know. You never say anything."

The Doctor nodded as Martha continued.

"But this time, today, you told me you were scared, which just doesn't happen. So what was different?"

"...I thought I was going to kill you." The Doctor admitted, his voice low, just above a whisper. "I could feel it taking me over, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I wold have killed you and every person on that ship." He paused. "_That's _what was so different, Martha. I was so, so scared I d hurt you."

Martha watched the Doctor as he shifted his gaze to his feet.

"I'm sorry." He muttered.

"What are you apologizing for, Doctor?"

The Doctor shrugged.

"Everything." He responded.

Martha raised an eyebrow.

"In other words, you've got no idea what you're apologizing for. You just assume you've done something wrong and need to apologize for it. Am I right?"

The Doctor nodded slightly.

"I s'pose." He confirmed, still studying the floor of the TARDIS.

"Hey, Doctor. Look at me." Said Martha gently. The Doctor glanced up at her. "You've got nothing to apologize for. You saved that ship and everybody onboard. You fought that Sun as best you could, and because of that we were able to get away from it. So don't bother saying that you're sorry."

The Doctor stood up a little but straighter and a ran hand through his hair.

"...Thanks, Martha." He said.

Martha hesitated for a few moments, then took the necessary number of steps forwards to meet the Doctor. She wrapped her arms around his torso and leaned on him, feeling his dual heartbeat. After a short moment, the lanky Time Lord returned the hug, embracing his companion tightly.

And he realized, that right in that moment, hugging in the console room, feeling Martha's warmth and hearing the steady rhythm of her breathing, that, for the first time in a long time, he feared nothing.

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**So, that's what happened in my mind. Go ahead and tell me what you thought! The review button doesn't bite! At most, it might lick you. If you're anything like Italy, that could actually be a problem I suppose...But chances are you're not. Whether you leave a review or not, have fantastic day and DFTBA!**


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